Is Anger a Bad Thing?

Anger is something we all feel and experience. Anybody that will claim to not get angry is, well… hard to believe. My calling them liars might make them… angry.

Anger is an emotional response to something that causes a feeling of being disrespected, undermined, insulted, violated, taken advantage of, abused, or lacking control over our environment. It is a relative emotion. What makes me angry may appear trivial to you, and vice-versa.

Such an intense emotional response is a healthy flag that allows us to gauge ourselves and how we are perceived and treated. The trigger can be an old wound, or “trauma response” which has now become a common answer to undermine a person’s anger. It can signal that our core values have been violated. It lets us know what’s important to us and what is worth protecting and fighting for. We all get angry for different reasons, yet we are inclined to judge and condemn others when they get angry, forgetting we get angry too (empathy). Nonetheless, it is more often than not a response to immediate or long-term pain that has been unresolved.

The most important thing, I believe, is that anger is not negative. It’s a perfect normal and healthy human response to frustration or pain. We shouldn’t taboo it. We shouldn’t shame it. We should embrace and allow it to be. It’s not about getting angry, it’s about what we do with that anger. We shouldn’t suppress it, because it will fester and in time erupt into potential rage. And that’s when we say and do stuff we regret.

If you lose control of your anger, then I suggest physical activities like working-out or sports, creative endeavors or meditation. Experience my “calming” meditation.

We can leverage it as a great motivator, or we can use it to inflict pain unto others. The key is to not let anger control you. It should be your friend. You are human, so don’t deny the experience due to warped societal norms and pressures. Out-of-control anger turns into hate, and hate is not healthy.

BTW, “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.” - In the words of Elie Wiesel.

Vital Germaine

Are you really being empathetic?

We may think we are being empathetic, but most times we are not, regardless of our pure intentions. A common empathy faux pas is sharing a related incident we experienced. This may well communicate relatability, but unless we quickly shift the focus back to them and their story, we are not being empathetic.

The odds are that when somebody is sharing something painful, they first and foremost want you to simply be there with them! This means we must fully commit to making it entirely about that other person’s experience, perspective and any additional circumstances they have endured for it to be true empathy. The trap is we are influenced by our own personal agenda, needs and expectations, so we listen with every intent to understand, but we still view if from our personal perspective and may offer advice (coaching), a pep talk, or even become their motivational cheerleader. All of which bring little value to the person in need of empathy. If you are coaching or chearleading, you are not listening for their benefit. You are also not understanding their heart-ache or discomfort, but rather expressing how your current mood is optimistic. So think twice when being positive as a response to a pain-point somebody has shared. Be there for them simply by being present.

Empathy is not necessarily about resolving. It’s about feeling and being there in the way that that person needs you. A good suggestion to truly to help is to ask the person one of the following questions:

1. How can I be of value?

2. Would you like me to just listen and hold space for you?

3. Would you like to me to share some advice or perspective?

Ask these types of questions in YOUR way so that it comes across as authentic rather than scripted from a blog.

Vital Germaine

The 7 Ways People Judge Us

Here’s how all people will initially judge you and how you will judge people.

We all make judgment calls when meeting people for the first time. In fact, we decide whether we like somebody within the first seven seconds of meeting them. Sometimes it’s a very intentional decision. Other times it’s on a subconscious level. Whether subconscious or by design, it’s determined by values and biases/programming. They can be cultural, economic, religious etc.

In a utopian world we would perhaps be judged by our character alone (thank you MLK), with our actions rather than words defining who we are. However, learning the content of a person’s character takes time. Many hide behind misleading words and deeds, in particular the narcissists who are experts in misdirection and deceit.

HERE ARE THE 7 WAYS PEOPLE JUDGE US

1. Appearance (clothes, tattoos etc):

   1. I am treated and perceived very differently depending on if I am wearing a suit and tie or a kilt. Both version are the same me. Are you aware of how differently your are perceived and treated based on your clothing? Hair color? Skin color?

      • As a black man I am often quickly judged by that standard.

        • Case in point: I live in the suburbs in a gated community. One day while walking my dog, somebody from the community complimented me on my two dogs. When I told then I lived around the corner they responded with, “Yes I see you all the time. I thought you were a dog walker.” - hmmm? Why would they assume that? I think we know why. Stereotyping or racial profiling is a bitch!

2. Body Language: According to psychologist, Amber Merhabian, body language makes up for 58% percent of communication. The way we walk, our posture… are we slouching, leaning, hunching etc. Are your arms crossed? If you are having a convo with somebody at an event, let’s say, pay attention to where their feet are pointing. If their feet are pointing away from you, or towards the door, it highly likely means they are not interested, or want to leave. Their are endless body language cues to better understand a person and where they are emotionally or mentally. What your body says is more powerful than words. Words only make up for 7% of communication.

3. Facial Experssions: The funny thing about our facial expressions is that half the time we are unaware of what our face is doing. Observe somebody having an argument who is angry. Their facial expressions will give it away; frowning, puckered lips etc. In stark contrast, if they are having a happy and loving conversation, their facial expressions will reveal that emotions and mindset.

4. Tone of voice: Do you talk to a baby or dog the same way you would address a VIP or superior? No. Our tone of voice changes based on how we view that person and the depth of the relationship. Also, whether you end your sentence with an upward or downward inflection will determine how convincing or interesting you are. Cliche example, “typical” Canadiens will end on an upward inflection which demonstrates their polite and apologetic culture. Americans, who stereotypically viewed as bold and direct, if not brash, do not apologize. They are firm, ending on a downward inflection. Begin to observe the naunces in people’s tone of voice. You’l be blown away as to how much is communicated with tone of voice. According to Albert Merhabian, non-verbal communication (tone of voice/facial expressions) make up for 38% of communication.

5. Attitude/Behavior: Attitude is how you react or respond to everything and anything that happens to you or around you. It’s a deep reflection of your character. People will quickly judge you on how they perceive your attitude to be. For the most part, we get an immediate sense of persons attitude based on the previous four bullet points. Over time, the evaluation goes deeper and we observe choices and patterns. A person’s patterns are the best way to understand who they are and who they are not.

6. Energy: According to Nikolas Tesla, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” People will subconsciously pick up on your energy or vibes before you’ve said a word. If your energy is negative, they will potentially avoid or dislike you. Our minds, body and in particular our hearts, emit an electromagnetic field. Other humans pick up on this field. In part because we are all connected and able to tap into the frequency of others. One of the biggest communication give aways are your emotions. Low vibrating energy is negative. Love resonates at a frequency of 852 hz. Joy vibrates at 700 hz. Anger or hate vibrate very as low as 100 hz. Disease vibrates at around 58 hz with colds and flu vibrating at around 57 khz. An average healthy body resonates at around 70 khz. You can elevate this frequency through meditation. Go deeper and you enter the Law of Attraction realm. Is it true?

   We are often attracted to people who vibrate at high frequencies, or those that our simila

7. Intentions: In some ways, #7 is a continuation of #6 as your intentions emit a certain frequency/energy. We often feel if somebody’s intentions are potentially harmful to us. What was the desired outcome by said person based on the action or even non-action?

   According to US Criminal Law, proof of criminal intent (mens rea) is one of two factors required to convict. The other being caught in the act due to sufficient evidence. The better you know a person and the more you have observed and understood their patterns of behavior, the more equipped you will be do understand or even predict their choices, because their intentions will be consistent with their previous behaviors and choices… but good luck proving it, even if your intuition is screaming the truth.

Understanding how you are communicating and what others are saying, seeing and feeling will exponentially improve all your relationships: at home and at work. This awareness can be leveraged for good or bad. That choice is yours.

Having said, that, obey your intuition when a person’s vibes aren’t jiving with you. This usually means there is a profound reason that isn’t yet evident to walk away. Walking away or setting boundaries is not the same as condemning or viewing somebody as lesser than based on…

To learn more take my communication course . It will help you as an individual (parent, lover and friend), as a leader, and even in sales / customer service.

Vital Germaine

President of ENGAGE Teams 360

How to stop being the losing "nice guy" or people-pleaser type.

If you are viewed as, or view yourself as a nice person who tends to please people and wish to change that, here’s some help:

The two most frustrating side-effects of being a people pleaser is that you exhaust yourself being so focused on the well-being of others, and that you become angry at them for abusing you OR angry at yourself. Here’s a harsh truth. You should be angry at yourself more than them. Why? Because you trained them and enabled them to treat you the way they do. Ouch!

Being a people pleaser will slowly eat away at your soul and keep your self-esteem at a low level, inviting more people to abuse or take advantage of your over-zealous generosity. You have probably already reached this level if you’re reading this. It’s time to change for you own well-being.

It’s going to take courage and time to overturn something that you’ve probably been doing your entire adulthood, if not starting in childhood. The good news is, you’ve got this one step at a time.

Let’s begin this journey of transformation by identifying the top 10 traits of people-pleasers. This is a simplified bullet pointed list from a Psychology Today article by, Amy Morin, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist.

1. You pretend to agree with everyone.

2. You feel responsible for how other people feel.

3. You apologize often.

4. You feel burdened by the things you have to do.

5. You can’t say no.

6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.

7. You act like the people around you.

8. You need praise to feel good.

9. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.

You may or may not have all of these 10 character traits. If you have multiple of these then the odds are you are indeed a people pleaser. If you are ready to transform into a more confident and decisive person, read on. If you aren’t ready, no worries, I am not here to please you. I am here to inspire and empower you to reach higher, grow wings and fly without a net.

How to stop being so nice; a people pleaser.

How do I know all of this? Because I’ve travelled the journey, combined with extensive research. Coaching others to transform into more confident and decisive versions of themselves has also taught me much. I’m happy and honored to share.

1. Set boundaries. People pleasers tend to not set boundaries, let alone honor them. By not setting boundaries you are fully responsible for training people how to treat you. Learn and establish a goal to set boundaries at the onset of every single new relationship moving forward, starting today! Trying yourself to say “no” to simple and seemingly meaningless things just for the hell of it. Get used to saying no! Train them to learn you are willing to say no. Focus on this if as if your life depended on it… cause it kind of does; your wellbeing is on the line.

   For the relationships that already know you to have non-existent boundaries and who are already trained to know they can take advantage of you, establishing boundaries will cause great conflict. Be ready to experience conflict, even the death of those relationships. It’s all necessary, so don’t stop honoring your mission. It’s gonna suck. Keep at it.

2. Stop looking for external validation. This will take time and a lot of inner work to find the true source of self within you. Now, keep in mind, humans are social beings and our status and self worth is influenced by how we are perceived and treated. However, deep down inside, you need to have a strong sense of self and self worth. Take time to identify your strengths and stay focused on those things about you. Slowly minimize your need to rely on compliments to feel good about yourself. It’s a process. If you start the work today and are consistent, you’ll be surprised how quickly you can change.

3. Be aware that you are trying to people-please. All beginnings start with awareness that something is not the way you’d like it to be and that change is required. Being honest with yourself and accepting that, yes, you are the “loser type, people pleaser” will hurt and be upsetting. And ironically, that realization will weaken your already fragile self-esteem. Take the punch; a standing count. Get back up and begin the fight… today! You once were a people pleaser. That was yesterday. Today and tomorrow are different.

4. Visualize yourself standing up for yourself. Practice, practice, practice. It will take a while to get good at not people pleasing. Incremental steps and small weekly goals. Ask yourself, who you do people please the most and begin changing those interactions with conviction and finesse.

   Those people will now be upset at your new boundaries. They may get (probably will get) angry and disappointed with you, claiming you’ve changed. Hell yeah, you’ve changed! The new you may even cost you relationships because they will no longer benefit from your exaggerated benevolence. Who wants to give up that kind of perk? Very few. Deja vu??? Yes, I am intentionally repeating this. They could even try to manipulate you and accuse you of being mean, cold and difficult.

   Don’t become emotional! Logic and a cool head is required to navigate this selfish mirroring and blame shifting on their part. They know full-well they took advantage of you. Be stead fast in your transformation. Keep going. New and better relationships are around the corner. Time to get a new tribe.

5. You're not responsible for the feelings or problems of others. You are not everybody’s paren or babysitter. They are adults fully capable of making independent decisions and taking action to fix their problems and challenges. That shit is not your shit to fix!

6. Honor yourself … be KIND to yourself and live authentically. Some will call this self love. I prefer self care and/or self respect. As you honor yourself and establish new and solid boundaries, it may feel as if you are being mean. A hard “no” may sound insensitive and lacking empathy. Asking to have your needs and expectations met will feel aggressive to you. Keep going. Allow the pendulum to potential swing to the other extreme. In time you will find the happy medium. But now, for once, it must be all about you. You’ve got this.

Having said all of this, please remember that in your mission to toughen up and stop being a people pleaser, it’s still okay, if not recommended to always be kind.

How can you be kind and not be a people pleaser (a nice guy who finishes last)? Read my blog, What’s the difference between being kind and being nice. You need to know! If you’re committed about changing, I can and will help. Contact me for a FREE 15 minute coaching discovery session.

If you agree/disagree, or would like to add to this blog, I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

How to Easily Resolve and Minimize Conflicts... at home and at work

Conflicts are inevitable and in many ways a healthy part of human interaction. Other times, they suck!

They allow us to see and understand what is important to us and to others… the metaphoric line in the sand. However, left unresolved, conflicts fracture strong, meaningful relationships and weaken the works in progress. Resentment builds, slowly turning to anger, disdain, insult and injury.

At the heart of most conflicts is miscommunication and most importantly, lack of understanding or empathy (emotional intelligence). The key is to resolve them quickly and effectively. How do you achieve that?

Here's how.

1.  MAINTAIN an optimistic outlook… by staying optimistic and hopeful, you will experience less frustration and therefore, more calm. A calm mind doesn’t get lost in the negative ego that fuels conflict.

2.  PRACTICE Empathetic listening… it’s not always about your perspective and opinion. Taking their angle into consideration could diffuse the issue.

3.  ASK the other person to suggest a solution. This one works wonders because it empowers the other person. Often times, anger is a result of having no power or voice.

4.  SEEK to understand… most conflicts are based on misunderstanding. If you focus on understanding, you may still disagree, but it’s hard to become negative or defensive. Did I mention empathy?

5.  CONSIDER your role in the conflict and adapt accordingly. Ultimately, we are responsible for our choices and behavior and can change them at any time. We can’t change the behavior of others. Conflicts are rarely based on one person or one side. This realization is the game-changer. Unfortunately, accountability is in big part the deal breaker. Carry this responsibility well and enjoy the rewards.

6.  ACKNOWLEDGE the opinions and perspective of others. Sometimes the simple act of acknowledging somebody else’s opinion is a massive first step to resolution. Let them clearly know you see and respect their point or perspective.

7.  STATE your case tactfully. Diplomacy goes a long way. Humans are emotional beings, with some being more sensitive than others. Tact doesn’t mean being soft or compromising your stance. Tact is about optimizing your emotional intelligence to secure a positive outcome.

8.  “ATTACK" the problem, not the person. This is the one that we too easily get caught up in. The problem becomes personal and we focus on accusing the person of wrong-doing. Though wrong-doing may be the issue, the root cause lies deeper. Take time to explore the real problem.

9.  AVOID the blame game. This is something we’ve probably all done at some point; blame. It may not be your fault, but you are always responsible for how you react or respond. Not everybody is capable of personal accountability. Make sure you are capable, less run down a cul-de-sac of zero growth.

10.                ORGANIZE a necessary and concise meeting to openly discuss. Focus on the resolve. The key it to use the time effectively and strategically. If you can’t meet in person (preferably), a video conference call (zoom, Skype or…). Make sure it’s done in a relaxed environment and opportune time. Address the issue openly and using the previous 9 steps… share this list with them too and both agree and commit to following this playbook.

BRING IT ALL TOGETHER: Tap into your Emotional Intelligence and become more aware of your personal behavior, needs and emotional triggers. Become even more aware of the triggers in others. It’s a two-way street. Breathe, relax, step outside of yourself for a moment and respond from a healthy place void of stress, anger or unconscious bias. If you’ve executed all ten options and zero resolve has been established, you may be dealing with an ass%&*#. Walk away and cut your losses. It’s a long-term win win.

LEARN MORE: My online communication course has a whole session dedicated to this topic. While you’re there, you’ll obtain endless tools to improve your communication and relationships.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

6-time author

Inspirationalist: keynote speaker / coach / trainer