Are you really being empathetic?
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We may think we are being empathetic, but most times we are not, regardless of our pure intentions. A common empathy faux pas is sharing a related incident we experienced. This may well communicate relatability, but unless we quickly shift the focus back to them and their story, we are not being empathetic.
The odds are that when somebody is sharing something painful, they first and foremost want you to simply be there with them! This means we must fully commit to making it entirely about that other person’s experience, perspective and any additional circumstances they have endured for it to be true empathy. The trap is we are influenced by our own personal agenda, needs and expectations, so we listen with every intent to understand, but we still view if from our personal perspective and may offer advice (coaching), a pep talk, or even become their motivational cheerleader. All of which bring little value to the person in need of empathy. If you are coaching or chearleading, you are not listening for their benefit. You are also not understanding their heart-ache or discomfort, but rather expressing how your current mood is optimistic. So think twice when being positive as a response to a pain-point somebody has shared. Be there for them simply by being present.
Empathy is not necessarily about resolving. It’s about feeling and being there in the way that that person needs you. A good suggestion to truly to help is to ask the person one of the following questions:
How can I be of value?
Would you like me to just listen and hold space for you?
Would you like to me to share some advice or perspective?
Ask these types of questions in YOUR way so that it comes across as authentic rather than scripted from a blog.
Vital Germaine