Narc Abuse Recovery

Surviving a narcissist may well be one the most heroic and courageous human acts you will ever go through.

Why?

Because you are basically fighting for your soul. During that struggle you will face 3 adversaries.

1. THE NARCISSIST: they will victimize you in endless typical ways, including: gaslighting, love-bombing, triangulation, bread-crumbing, lies, manipulation, one-upping, denial, deflection, projection….

2. YOUR LOST SELF: you are no longer the same you and you won’t understand what hit you. You’ll be confused, disorientated, helpless… LOST.

3. DISBELIEF FROM SOCIETY: narc abuse is so horrific that others will find it hard to believe you (a form of subconscious collective gaslighting). Not to mention the narcissist’s “flying monkeys”. The only people who might believe you and relate, are those who have walked your path.

The result of these three adversaries can become total self-isolation as a protective mechanism. Finding your soul again after it has been chewed, sucked dry of life and then discarded like trash is one of the most painful wounds a human can experience. It is torture. Be kind to yourself during your recovery steps. SELF-EMPATHY.

Those who have not experienced it may undermine the damage it does. Good for you if you haven’t experienced narc abuse. I’m glad you have no idea what I am talking about. If you have, I feel your pain. You are not alone.

Narc abuse over long term, literally cause the brain to change. This physiological change impacts decision-making, memory, and general cognitive decline. Left unresolved, quickly morphs into chronic stress disorders.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of navigating narc abuse and/or understanding what it means to be an empath.

If you are an empath, the odds you have experienced the narc are so high. Empaths are prime bait for the narcissist, until… the empath becomes empowered. Everybody and anybody should be empowered to fight the darkness of the narcissist. They show up as toxic bosses, our sons and daughters, our parents, siblings, trusted best friends… and most impact fully as romantic partners.

The only solution is to become an empowered empath or an educated individual who is or has experienced narc abuse. It took me over 5 years to recover from one narc relationship in particular.

The first step is awareness of the narc abuse, despite their typical behaviors, with gaslighting being the most common. Gaslighting will drive you nuts making you doubt reality and your own perception of life. You’ll think YOU are the problem, denying all self-awareness that you are in fact being abused.

Once you have acknowledged the abuse, now begins the arduous life-saving journey to finding your soul again. It can take months, years, decades. Your body and nervous system have to completely reset from a constant cortisol overdose. It’s addictive.

If only I knew then what I know now!!!

If you have experienced narcissist abuse, or you are an empath, I highly recommend reading my book, PINK IS THE COLOR OF EMPATHY for insight. If you are trying to find yourself again, fowling narc abuse, or are currently struggling to escape an abuse relationship with a narc, please contact me for coaching.

Vital Germaine

Finding and Understanding Who You Really Are

Discovering the self is no easy feat. We rarely take the time to be deeply introspective to understand who we were, what we like, what we stand for, what we need, what we desire, why we make the choices we do… the list go questions is endless.

In taking the time to understand the essence of who you are (your core values), you will find many answers to why certain things in your life happened based on the choices you take. You will understand some of the choices you’ve made regarding friendships, your partner, work and career etc. Most, kind of know their core values but haven’t really dissected them, empowering you to optimize them and elevate the essence of your character and personality.

Knowing and identifying your “north star” and your sense of purpose, will provide you with so much clarity moving forward in life. This activity has helped so many of personal coaching clients, leaders/executive clients and teams). You’ll find it in my book THINK LIKE AN ARTIST.

Here is a list of the top 30 recurring core values.

1.         Efficiency

2.         Balance

3.         Fairness

4.         Creativity

5.         Hard Work

6.        Learning

7.        Competence

8.        Compassion

9.        Community

10.     Security

11.      Loyalty

12.      Status

13.      Charity

14.      Teamwork

15.      Friendship

16.      Adventure

17.       Freedom

18.      Boldness

19.      Success

20.    Authority

21.      Recognition

22.     Spirituality

23.     Humility

24.    Diversity

25.     Humor

26.    Kindness

27.     Optimism

28.    Empathy

29.    Fun

30.    Accountability

Review them and eliminate 10 of them. You should have 20 left over.

Write those 20 on a digital or hard copy note pad.

Take those 20 Core Values you selected and narrow them down to 10!

Write those 10 on a digital or hard copy note pad.

But wait, there’s more! Let’s really do down the rabbit hole.

Look carefully at your list of 10 Core Values.

Do they define you?

Do you live by them?

If so, congrats.

If not, it could mean you are not living authentically. Adjust accordingly.

Down the wormhole we go!

Take those 10 Core Values you selected and narrowthem down to only 4! Yes, only 4.

A tip to help you narrow them down to only 4. You will find that some Values overlap. For example, compassion and empathyare very similar, so one could be eliminated. Same with charity and community.Write those 4 on a digital or hard copy note pad.

Even better, frame them.

That’s the essence of who you are!

Live by these last four core values. They define your character or personal brand. They will be your compass in any decision or choices you make moving forward. Align your life with the true authentic essence of who you are, and you will find deep inner harmony.

Know thyself.  Become thyself.

Vital Germaine

Interested in personal coaching?

What not to do when a relationship ends

Relationships are complicated and complex, whether intimate, or professional. There are endless moving parts that determine the quality, success, or failure of said relationship. Inevitably, the endings are always connected to the quality of communication.

Either the wrong thing was said at the wrong time in the wrong way, Either the right thing was said at the wrong time in the wrong way (and variations there of). Sometimes it’s not necessarily what was said, but rather a question of how it was interpreted. The final and often overlooked element of communication is the something that wasn’t said. It may have been intentionally left out. It may have been accidentally omitted as it appeared to be irrelevant or because it may have cause friction. Ironically, not saying it will inevitable end up causing friction. Better to say. Just figure out the right time and the right way.

Most relationships will face conflict and end as a result of values being violated, stubbornness, avoidance of accountability or willingness to change behavior, or simple yet meaningful disagreement on perception and responsibility that becomes a deal breaker. Sometimes nobody is wrong. It’s just time to part ways.

When relationships do end, here's what I've learned about what shouldn’t be done (includes my past indiscretions).

1. Good people say bad things (yep, I've said some mean #$%&). It doesn't make them bad people. Vice versa, bad people do good stuff... they are still bad people.

2. Whatever secrets they entrusted with you... honor that trust despite the relationship ending.

3. What ever gifts you gave them, don't take them back (oops! - i've learned).

4. Celebrate the beauty of the relationship despite the current disappointments/deceit etc. It will hurt at first and seem impossible to celebrate an end. In due time, I hope you will reflect and see some value in that relationship.

5. Whatever went wrong, you played a part in it, making you accountable too. (ouch!!!)

6. "Sometimes you win. Sometimes you learn." - John Maxwell

7. Add your own advice here

Take my REACHING HIGHER THROUGH COMMUNICATION online course and help improve your relationships. Click button below to register.

6 priceless things about creative expression

ONE: It doesn’t matter the medium (crayons, oils, acting, musical instrument, writing/journaling, singing in the shower, dancing in the living room… ).

It doesn’t matter the quality or outcome.

TWO. It’s all about the journey of processing and releasing our emotions, traumas, wounds, fears… experiences.

THREE. It’s meditative, inviting you to be present, minimizing the external and internal noises of distraction.

FOUR: While being in the moment, you'll connect deeper with yourself, leading to understanding.

FIVE: It’s also better than dumping our hurt onto people we love and/or hate.

SIX: It also works a charm when expressing joy and gratitude.

Art has been the most effective, impactful therapy I can think of. It was in fact an integral strategy in recovering from the darkest of dark places. Learn more in my book PINK IS THE COLOR OF EMPATHY, which takes a deep look at mental health.

Vital Germaine

There are 3 main factors that deny you of your inner genius.

Your inner genius is connected to your inner child. Your inner child is the key to your authentic freedom and empowerment. The problem is that your inner genius is suffocated into submission as you age. Why? How?

1.     Convention and conformity molds us into bots with a heartbeat, calcifying our inner genius, stifling our uniqueness.

Look at our outdated education system. We sit in rows. Walk in lines. Learn a curriculum that a committee has deemed the best for everybody. Conventional education, despite its need and benefits, tells us what to think… mandates us to fit in. Formal education tells us what to think rather than how to think independently. 

2.     Parents and adults who live in fear bombard their children with restricting orders. According to Gallup, children hear on average, 232 no’s or negative comments a day. By the time they reach their teens and early adulthood, those 232 daily parental no’s will have molded those kids into driving in very specific lanes afraid to disrupt, afraid to imagine, afraid to be themselves. Those lanes become filled with worker bees and ants who don’t know how to think independently. It’s a boring, non-imaginative lane that provides a sense of belonging… a basic human need according to Maslo (Hierarchy of needs). So, we comply.

If you are happy with being a worker bee, stay calm and carry on. But what if there was more meaning and purpose to your life than that which your parents made you believe? Are you living their limiting beliefs and expectations?

I understand the intention of most parents. They want to protect their children from harm, danger or ridicule. They want their kids to succeed… but in a selfish way the parent feels is the better way. But is that way in the best interest of that kid or projection? Too many parents prevent their children becoming who they were meant to be… themselves.

“Don’t climb on that.”

“That’s not good for you.”

“Why can’t you be like everybody else?”

“Stop that!”

“No, no, no, no, no!”

By the time we become adults, our organic and authentic dreams and aspirations will have faded. We submit because we have disconnected from the endless possibilities we once possessed as children.

3.     The fear of failure prevents us from taking risks, being different, trying the new. Social media has magnified this collective hypnosis. We select trending music on our posts to get more likes rather than choosing what we really like and what we really want to express. We copy paste the most popular choreography on Tik Tok. We observe what everybody else is doing and conclude that that is how things should be done to be successful.

$6 Million Question!

If there were no consequences to your actions, choices, behaviors or dreams, would you be doing what you are today?

Living your true genius takes courage. Boatloads of audacity. But it’s in you. It’s not too late to become who you were meant to be and who you once dreamed of becoming, despite what your parents or society told you.

Your inner child will set you free and enable you to fly if you connect and listen.

Vital Germaine

President AIM TO WIN, Inc

Are you really being empathetic?

We may think we are being empathetic, but most times we are not, regardless of our pure intentions. A common empathy faux pas is sharing a related incident we experienced. This may well communicate relatability, but unless we quickly shift the focus back to them and their story, we are not being empathetic.

The odds are that when somebody is sharing something painful, they first and foremost want you to simply be there with them! This means we must fully commit to making it entirely about that other person’s experience, perspective and any additional circumstances they have endured for it to be true empathy. The trap is we are influenced by our own personal agenda, needs and expectations, so we listen with every intent to understand, but we still view if from our personal perspective and may offer advice (coaching), a pep talk, or even become their motivational cheerleader. All of which bring little value to the person in need of empathy. If you are coaching or chearleading, you are not listening for their benefit. You are also not understanding their heart-ache or discomfort, but rather expressing how your current mood is optimistic. So think twice when being positive as a response to a pain-point somebody has shared. Be there for them simply by being present.

Empathy is not necessarily about resolving. It’s about feeling and being there in the way that that person needs you. A good suggestion to truly to help is to ask the person one of the following questions:

1. How can I be of value?

2. Would you like me to just listen and hold space for you?

3. Would you like to me to share some advice or perspective?

Ask these types of questions in YOUR way so that it comes across as authentic rather than scripted from a blog.

Vital Germaine

Is Vulnerability a Strength or Weakness?

The quick answer to this question is that it is both a strength and a weakness. It all depends on how it’s communicated or shared. When shared properly it is extremely powerful. It becomes an agent for deep and meaningful connection. A quality all human beings crave. However, vulnerability can be extremely toxic and manipulative.

Here’s how and why?

Vital Germaine

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The 7 Ways People Judge Us

Here’s how all people will initially judge you and how you will judge people.

We all make judgment calls when meeting people for the first time. In fact, we decide whether we like somebody within the first seven seconds of meeting them. Sometimes it’s a very intentional decision. Other times it’s on a subconscious level. Whether subconscious or by design, it’s determined by values and biases/programming. They can be cultural, economic, religious etc.

In a utopian world we would perhaps be judged by our character alone (thank you MLK), with our actions rather than words defining who we are. However, learning the content of a person’s character takes time. Many hide behind misleading words and deeds, in particular the narcissists who are experts in misdirection and deceit.

HERE ARE THE 7 WAYS PEOPLE JUDGE US

1. Appearance (clothes, tattoos etc):

   1. I am treated and perceived very differently depending on if I am wearing a suit and tie or a kilt. Both version are the same me. Are you aware of how differently your are perceived and treated based on your clothing? Hair color? Skin color?

      • As a black man I am often quickly judged by that standard.

        • Case in point: I live in the suburbs in a gated community. One day while walking my dog, somebody from the community complimented me on my two dogs. When I told then I lived around the corner they responded with, “Yes I see you all the time. I thought you were a dog walker.” - hmmm? Why would they assume that? I think we know why. Stereotyping or racial profiling is a bitch!

2. Body Language: According to psychologist, Amber Merhabian, body language makes up for 58% percent of communication. The way we walk, our posture… are we slouching, leaning, hunching etc. Are your arms crossed? If you are having a convo with somebody at an event, let’s say, pay attention to where their feet are pointing. If their feet are pointing away from you, or towards the door, it highly likely means they are not interested, or want to leave. Their are endless body language cues to better understand a person and where they are emotionally or mentally. What your body says is more powerful than words. Words only make up for 7% of communication.

3. Facial Experssions: The funny thing about our facial expressions is that half the time we are unaware of what our face is doing. Observe somebody having an argument who is angry. Their facial expressions will give it away; frowning, puckered lips etc. In stark contrast, if they are having a happy and loving conversation, their facial expressions will reveal that emotions and mindset.

4. Tone of voice: Do you talk to a baby or dog the same way you would address a VIP or superior? No. Our tone of voice changes based on how we view that person and the depth of the relationship. Also, whether you end your sentence with an upward or downward inflection will determine how convincing or interesting you are. Cliche example, “typical” Canadiens will end on an upward inflection which demonstrates their polite and apologetic culture. Americans, who stereotypically viewed as bold and direct, if not brash, do not apologize. They are firm, ending on a downward inflection. Begin to observe the naunces in people’s tone of voice. You’l be blown away as to how much is communicated with tone of voice. According to Albert Merhabian, non-verbal communication (tone of voice/facial expressions) make up for 38% of communication.

5. Attitude/Behavior: Attitude is how you react or respond to everything and anything that happens to you or around you. It’s a deep reflection of your character. People will quickly judge you on how they perceive your attitude to be. For the most part, we get an immediate sense of persons attitude based on the previous four bullet points. Over time, the evaluation goes deeper and we observe choices and patterns. A person’s patterns are the best way to understand who they are and who they are not.

6. Energy: According to Nikolas Tesla, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” People will subconsciously pick up on your energy or vibes before you’ve said a word. If your energy is negative, they will potentially avoid or dislike you. Our minds, body and in particular our hearts, emit an electromagnetic field. Other humans pick up on this field. In part because we are all connected and able to tap into the frequency of others. One of the biggest communication give aways are your emotions. Low vibrating energy is negative. Love resonates at a frequency of 852 hz. Joy vibrates at 700 hz. Anger or hate vibrate very as low as 100 hz. Disease vibrates at around 58 hz with colds and flu vibrating at around 57 khz. An average healthy body resonates at around 70 khz. You can elevate this frequency through meditation. Go deeper and you enter the Law of Attraction realm. Is it true?

   We are often attracted to people who vibrate at high frequencies, or those that our simila

7. Intentions: In some ways, #7 is a continuation of #6 as your intentions emit a certain frequency/energy. We often feel if somebody’s intentions are potentially harmful to us. What was the desired outcome by said person based on the action or even non-action?

   According to US Criminal Law, proof of criminal intent (mens rea) is one of two factors required to convict. The other being caught in the act due to sufficient evidence. The better you know a person and the more you have observed and understood their patterns of behavior, the more equipped you will be do understand or even predict their choices, because their intentions will be consistent with their previous behaviors and choices… but good luck proving it, even if your intuition is screaming the truth.

Understanding how you are communicating and what others are saying, seeing and feeling will exponentially improve all your relationships: at home and at work. This awareness can be leveraged for good or bad. That choice is yours.

Having said, that, obey your intuition when a person’s vibes aren’t jiving with you. This usually means there is a profound reason that isn’t yet evident to walk away. Walking away or setting boundaries is not the same as condemning or viewing somebody as lesser than based on…

To learn more take my communication course . It will help you as an individual (parent, lover and friend), as a leader, and even in sales / customer service.

Vital Germaine

President of ENGAGE Teams 360

How to Create Positive New Habits with Ease

Whenever wanting to change a behavior or a habit, it's not easy to find motivation and follow through! So then what?

A great place to start that process of positive growth is to change the reason or focus. For example, trying to lose weight just for you is a tough ask. Think of a reason outside of yourself… somebody you care for or love deeply. If your reason to lose weight is to be healthy so you can be there longer for your grandkid and have more energy to play with them, the motivation has now shifted away from the self. The task becomes easier to achieve. You have a powerful reason to commit.

As a whole, whenever our sense of purpose is bigger and beyond ourselves, the motivation almost happens naturally. We become driven and compelled to act.

The key to succeed is to find a reason that is truly dear to you. It can be love based or even fear based, because these two emotions are the strongest motivators to humans. We either run away from pain or we run towards pleasure. The fear of losing somebody can inspire changed behavior. A deep wearing to win somebody’s favor can drive us to new habits.

Who or what is your new carrot? Take a moment to clearly identify that element. The more specific you are understanding this focal point, the better. How much does that person mean to you? Once you’ve clearly established that, you are empowered to REACH HIGHER.

This blog only highlights a STARTING point. Remember that change is not a one-pill fix. However, this is a great platform to grow your wings and fly.

Vital Germaine

How to make fear your friend

It has been said that we either run away from pain or we run towards pleasure. It’s called the “Pain, pleasure principal.” by Sigmund Freud.

Running toward pleasure is easier, though running away from pain is arguably a stronger motivator. Fear can, however, paralyze. And that hurts. We are afraid of pain. It brings worry and stress. Meanwhile, it inspires courage and drives action… change!

Many memes and acronyms claim or suggest that fear is not real. One popular one is: False Evidence Appearing Real. Ignore this.

Fear is very real and not to be blindly ignored. It is the primordial warning mechanism that all living beings and organisms instinctually and inherently possess. It keeps them alive because it lets them know that something is dangerous. Courage is not inclusive of recklessness. The question is, how do you make fear your friend as a "motivator"? It’s a conscious mindset choice. Read more about how to open your mind in my book, FLYING BEYOND THE NET.

Acknowledge your fears. This doesn’t make you weak. It makes you emotionally intelligent.

Fear is one of the most basic human emotions, and emotions are what compel us to do things. Fear can drive a mother to find superhuman strength to lift a car that is crushing her baby. Empower yourself by connecting with your emotions. Leverage them. They will help you achieve your goals.

We tend to avoid fear because it’s not a fun feeling; other than when riding a “scream your lungs out” adventure ride. Other than that, we kid ourselves with empty words such as be “fearless.” It’s not about being fearless. It’s about having courage to stare your fears in the face and moving forward anyway.

A life without pain sounds like utopia. It’s not. If we don’t feel the pain, then nothing happens. We are numb. Fear can provide a sense of urgency, too… we fear the negative consequences of not doing something. Goodbye procrastination. Learn more about how to overcome procrastination.

The key is to stay calm in moments of fear. Keep your wits about you. Maintain clarity of mind. Your blood pressure will increase, potentially speeding up your thoughts. A panicked mind may run or freeze, so… slow down your breathing temporarily. A calm and clear mind will evaluate and understand a situation and asses which plan of action is best suited… options… best case scenario. Now that you’ve got clarity, inhale courage, exhale fear. Increase the intensity of your breathing, filling your lungs and blood with extra oxygen and your system with endorphins. Get psyched about the thrill of you overcoming and reaching higher. Want it! Long for it. Crave it. Obsess about it… then let the dream go cause it’s already yours.

George Addair says,

“Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”

Fear fuels desire.

If you like Napoleon Hill, he talks about the power of desire in his book, Think and Grow Rich. In fact, he dedicates chapter 2 to the topic. He calls desire, the starting point of all achievements.

Next time you feel fear, know that it is a tool for promote growth. It is an opportunity. Run with it. You’ve got this!

Don’t forget the “courage” part. There’s always the Wizard of Oz if you lack in that department. Oh wait…. the Wizard of Oz lives inside you. The magic is in your hands. Inhale the courage. Exhale the fear. And now reach higher.

Vital Germaine

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Becoming a High-Value Person

Once upon a time I believed that high-value people were only those with status: influence, financial clout or a broad-reaching network. I was wrong.

If we reframe the meaning of a high-value person, we elevate a lot of people who are undermined in society. That may include you.

The above mentioned people are indeed high value… however, the title of high-value person is not limited to that demographic. Some of those wealthy, influential people (influencers) may be of high value in certain areas, but not across the board. Maybe they provide very little emotional value to those they love; think of the overworked executive who has very little time and energy for the kids. That person is of very little emotional value; and money is not everything.

You can become a high-value person in any field; a stay-home-mom or -dad with a net worth of zero, or with a social network of just your dog or cat/gold fish; and of course aunt Sally.

It’s about how you are helping, supporting and understanding people. It’s about emotional intelligence.

The last words of Steve Jobs, billionaire, dead at 56:

"I have reached the summit of success in the world of business." In the eyes of others, my life is a success.

However, aside from work, I had little joy. In the end, wealth is just a fact I am used to.

At this moment, laying on my hospital bed, remembering my whole life, I realize that all the gratitude and wealth in which I took so much pride, has vanished and became meaningless in the face of imminent death.

You can hire someone to drive your car or make money for you but it's impossible to hire someone to deal with sickness and die for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost - "Life".

Whatever stage of life we are currently in, with time, we will face it the day the curtain closes.

Love your family, spouse and friends... Treat them right . Cherish them.

As we get older, and wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch - both give the same hour...

Whether we have a $300 or $30 wallet or purse - the amount inside is the same;

Whether we drive a $150,000 car or $30,000 car, the road and distance are the same, and we arrive at the same destination.

That we drink a bottle of wine at 1000. $ or $10 hangover is the same;

That the house we live in is 300 or 3000 square feet - the loneliness is the same.

You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from material things of this world.

Whether you travel first class or economic class, if the plane crashes, you crash with it...

Therefore .. I hope you realize, when you have friends, boyfriends and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you argue, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east or heaven and earth,.... This is the real happiness!!

An indisputable fact of life:

Don't educate your kids to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things and not the price.

Here are 9 ways to gauge your social worth.

1. The way you show up (be authentic, respectful and kind)

2. The way you communicate (sincere)

3. Your character (core values)

4. Be impeccable with your word

5. Your intentions (purpose)

6. Have more empathy with healthy boundaries

7. Show them you care

8. Giving back or paying it forward

9. Be a safe person (trustworthy / non-judgmental)

Society is emotionally struggling, in particular, the younger generations who need more emotional support than actual financial resources or celebrity.

As a parent, as a friend, lover, partner; be the best version of you for that person and you instantly become a high-value person. The best example I can think of, is a teacher. They rarely become financially wealthy… they are underpaid heroes! Yet, a good teacher brings infinite value to the next generation. I can think of one or two of my teachers who heavily influenced the course of my life, if not saved my life growing up as a kid lost in the British Child Care System. Their value was and is priceless.

Take a moment to self evaluate.

As a person, are you doing that little extra and being the best version of yourself with the wellbeing of others at heart? If yes, you are a high-value person. Congrats.

As a leader, are you inspiring and empowering your team? If you are, then you instantly become a high value leader. If you work at the register at Walmart, are your committed to providing great customer service to each and every person you ring up? If you do, then you are a high value person.

Have the mindset to want to reach higher each and every day, the mindset to do more for your village or community, the mindset to be more empathetic, to be more giving and caring etc. That is wealth right there.

If you are an influencer to the masses but provide little value to those who really need you: your kids, your significant other etc, then consider shifting the focus to those who really love you, not only those who admire you without knowing you. Ultimately, do that little extra and optimize who you are and become not only a high value person, but an extraordinary person. How to become your best self? Discover your IKIGAI

Former Miami Dolphins head coach, Jimmy Johnson, once said, “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary, is that little extra.”

The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

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The new book!

Building a powerful and AUTHENTIC personal brand

Let’s begin with the absolutely not so obvious to many. A brand is not a logo, a jingle, an ad or a slogan. It is also not the product, a symbol or a name. This is a common misconception to young entrepreneurs and first time small business owners who are “building a brand”.

So, then what is a brand?

The short and simply version is this: A brand is a promise made and kept.

Let’s break that down.

You can tell your customers’ all day long who you are, what you are and what you do, but the reality is, your brand is based on their perception, i.e, your reputation. Your reputation is based on “promise made, promise kept.” Do you deliver on what you say you will? If you don’t you have an anemic brand.

All the other elements such as logo etc, fall under the category of “brand identity.” These are the visible elements of a brand, such as color, design, and logo, that identify and distinguish the brand in consumers' minds. They help customers identify you. These elements are not the brand itself.

There are two brand catagories.

1. PERSONAL BRAND: this first one is rarely thought of. YOU in your every day life are a brand. You are perceived a certain way and you have a reputation that determines if people like or trust you. And we interact (or do business) with people we know, like, trust and relate to.

   The easiest and most impactful personal brand you can build is one that is authentic; a true and sincere reflection of your core values and your character. Not fake values that you contrived to look and sound good on paper, but honest, sincere values that you embody and live by in all aspects of your being and your business: your behaviors, your words, your actions, your habits and your patterns. Be aware that over time, your true brand or character will eventually be exposed. This is what you will be judged and perceived on… it’s your promise.

   These same principals apply to the business world. The essence of your character/values (personal brand) will bleed into any form of business you undertake.

   Read the blog: BUILDING A STRONG PERSONAL BRAND

   Read the blog: 3 TIPS TO BUILDING A STRONG BUSINESS BRAND

2. BUSINESS BRAND… read the business brand blog.

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What is Cognitive Dissonance and why you should know?

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance

/ˈkäɡnədiv ˈdisənəns/

Learn to pronounce

noun

PSYCHOLOGY

1. the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

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If you’d like help along your growth journey, please connect with me and get a FREE 15 minute discovery session.

Learn more in my book, FLYING BEYOND THE NET.

If you agree/disagree, or would like to add to this blog, I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment.

Vital Germaine

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What exactly is success and how do you know when you are successful?

The common accepted definition of success is; the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. If you google success you’ll come across more elaborate explanations like this one:

Your individual definition of what success is may vary, but many might define it as being fulfilled, happy, safe, healthy, and loved. It is the ability to reach your goals in life, whatever those goals may be.

At very young ages we are told or programmed to perceive success as winning a metaphorical trophy; an achievement. However, many people have achieved much in their lives, yet they don’t feel successful. And in contrast, I know some people who have “achieved” very little, yet they feel fulfilled, accomplished… successful.

Success is a very subjective thing.

We each pursue different milestones or accolades to validate our worth; a degree, getting the hot girl/boy, driving the fancy car, getting a promotion, making money… but if we go deeper, the pursuit of all those “things” are simply to make us feel a certain way. We are emotional beings. We are attracted to that which makes us feel: good, secure, loved, welcome, at peace and whole. We choose a partner because of how they make us feel, not because of how we feel about them (dig deeper into yourself and you’ll see the truth in this).

As long as we focus on “things” to define our success, we will constantly be in hot pursuit of the next high. And it’s exactly the next high that we crave. We’ve all heard of retail therapy, right? Those purchases make us feel good; high. They are, however, short-term feel-good factors… shallow, superficial and not meaningful or replenishing to our soul.

Most keynote speakers, life coaches and employee development trainers I’ve exchanged notes with, provide their clients with “X” amount of steps to make more money, to have more influence, to build self confidence, resilience etc. How many of them encourage clients and audiences to simply live authentically, find purpose, fulfillment, inner peace and happiness in who they are or wish to become… not, WHAT they want to become, but WHO. When we live in alignment with our true identity, our character, our values, objectives and our emotional state surrounded by love and connection, then we live in a successful and fullfilled mind state.

This level of personal development is my focus in my keynotes and employee development trainings and workshops. It’s about the individual becoming a better version of themselves so they can REACH HIGHER. When they reach higher, your organization benefits… your customers’ feel that.

Success is ultimately the feeling of feeling good about yourself and the life you lead. For some, it’s as simple as a log cabin away from everybody and with minimal possessions. For others, it’s a big big house and plenty of toys.

We are all pursing the same thing… a feeling of goodness. The material things help provide that feeling. But it’s the deep spiritual feeling of being at “home” we desire, and that can be achieved in multiple ways, including with minimal possessions but a richness of living and giving.

Start focusing inward on what makes you feel good about yourself; it will lead to happiness, inner peace and fulfillment; now that’s ultimate success in life. Success is something to be designed and created in the heart, not purchased.

If you agree/disagree, or would like to add to this blog, I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment and make sure to follow me on social media for more inspiration and tips to help you grow.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

Imposter Syndrome?

For the most part, self-doubt is the catalyst for a lack of self confidence. This inevitably leads to a sense of imposter syndrome if we have achieved a certain level of success before we truly believed we were ready, or deserved it.

Without self-confidence it becomes incredibly hard to fully achieve objectives and enjoy them. Not feeling confident in one’s abilities can prevent us meeting the right people (including romantic partners), and gain authentic credibility or any form of status. HOWEVER… self-doubt is not the actual enemy… when leveraged in healthy doses, self doubt or imposter syndrome can bring great value to your life and those you interact with. How’s that? Because it evokes the following:

1. SELF REFLECTION:

The main advantage of a healthy dose of imposter syndrome is that it triggers a need to re-evaluate, by asking the following question:

“Am I good enough?” If you truly feel like you’re not, the next step is to get back to work, learn and grow. Nothing wrong in continual growth. It’s a Kaizen thing,

“Do I deserve to be here.” Unless you got there through nepotism, a freak act of nature, chances are you deserve to be there. You probably earned the invitation to be in that room. Do you deserve to stay there is maybe a different answer? If you truly feel like you don’t deserved to be there, the next step is to get back to work, learn and grow. Nothing wrong in continual growth. It’s a Kaizen thing.

Any form of decision-making is well served with an element of self-awareness and questioning. Through self reflection/evaluation, you can connect to your intuition on a deeper level, your are compelled to do more research, go back to the drawing board, realize you can do better and be better.

2. MOTIVATION:

It may sound strange to hear that imposter syndrome/self-doubt is a motivator. But, yes, it is. Wondering if you could do better/should do better is a spark unto itself. Wanting to do and be better is a fundamental trait for achievement and success. All the greats of this world have pushed themselves to do better and become better. They took the time to realize that they could do and be better. Always aim to do better and reach higher. Always gave a sense if imposter syndrome.

During my 5 years in Cirque du Soleil, I continually experience Imposter Syndrome. I was surrounded by the best in the world. It intimidated at first. Then become the greatest of inspirations. I grew and thrived. I went from afraid and unqualified, to captain of my team and the example to strive for.

By questioning one’s ability, it leads to the conclusion that you can do more, dream more, and become more, BUT… only if you are hungry to do more, become more and dream more. The hunger to grow and the emotional intelligence to realize you are not the next best thing since sliced bred is an exceptional motivator. Every journey of transformation begins with awareness, realization and then acceptance that a change is needed. The arrogant and overly confident one’s (who don’t experience self doubt) fail to see this because they are so lost and caught up in their own sense of greatness.

3. HUMBLES THE HEART:

Another beautiful and positive attribute of healthy imposter syndrome/self doubt is the humility factor. If you’re humble, it means you can’t be arrogant and over confident. Arrogant people tend to be blinded by their inflated self-confidence. They therefore miss opportunities to learn and grown because they think they are the #%&#. They also tend to belittle others who they view as lesser than themselves. Humility invites people to connect. Your humility can and will inspire and empower others. Your humility is an invite for self-improvement, because you feel and know you can be and do better. It’s a Kaizen thing,

The next time you experience self-doubt or imposter syndrome, don’t feel bad, don’t feel unworthy, don't beat yourself up. Simply understand, embrace and realize that if it remains a healthy dose, it’s your friend and a sign that something can and needs to be changed. “A healthy dose!” If and when the dose becomes unhealthy, then MAYBE it’s time to beat yourself up, unless the self-doubt is so bad that it has paralyzed you. Then you have fallen into the expected conclusions that self doubt is negative. Keep it HEALTHY. I hope you always have a small sense of Imposter Syndrome to keep you REACHING HIGHER.

Just in case I hadn’t mentioned it, reaching higher is a Kaizen thing.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

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EMPATHY; how well do we really understand its concept and execution?

For the most part, people have a general understanding of empathy. Some confuse it with sympathy. There is somewhat of an overlap between the two, though the difference in meaning is beyond a nuance or a synonym. The difference is in fact substantial.

Too often, we think we are being empathetic or that we have empathy… but we don’t. We are simply comparing our perspective and understanding to theirs with a sympathetic heart; not empathy. It’s not as simple as putting yourself in another persons shoes. Why?

There are numerous factors to consider.

1. It depends how you wear that other person’s shoe… not all shoes are the same and can therefore not always be compared. Often times comparison is what we do. The downside to that is if we compare, and that same or similar incident left us feeling indifferent, then it’s very hard to feel the other’s pain. So, we really must step into their shoes and not only understand what they are experiencing, but leave our own emotions out of the equation.

   If they are feeling pain or grief for something that we find trivial, then we can’t offer empathy. However, we probably know what pain grief feels like. So it’s a question of focusing on the emotion rather than the incident and what THEY are feeling.

   It takes a great ability to focus on only THEM to grasp what they have experienced compared to what you are experiencing. You may think that you could easily walk a mile in their shoes with no issues, and you might be right, but you are not them. It’s not about what you experience, your opinion or perspective. True empathy makes it ALL about THEM. And that’s the hard part why most of us fail when it comes to true empathy. And therein lies one of the main reasons for human disconnect; the inability to practice or execute true empathy because we lack the ability to completely eliminate our personal opinions, our perspectives, and personal experiences from the equation. Now begs the question, is empathy then possible? I believe so, with lots of work on the emotional intelligence front.

2. Who merits your empathy

   Giving empathy or being empathetic can be emotionally draining. You may have heard about the social struggles of empaths who easily get depleted in social settings because they feel too much and absorb external energy.

   When extending empathy, protect your energy and emotional wellness by setting boundaries with the person in search of understanding. Set boundaries for yourself, too… how much can you give, how long can you listen before it becomes detrimental to you.

   Prolonged empathy can become toxic; you become a potential enabler, or you inspire trauma bonding which isn’t really a win-win scenario. Know your limits. Everything in moderation.

3. Who is the giver and receiver of empathy

   I don’t know if there is a scientific equation to determine who is the giver and receiver. My recommendation is to offer empathy to anybody you feel needs it, or anybody who is asking for it, provided you are in a strong enough emotional state to give a part of your heart and mind to that person. Empathy is giving which can drain. It’s usually the person in a position of confidence, emotional and mental fortitude who cares, who can, should and will extend empathy. In healthy relationships the role will often change; give and take as needed.

GOING DEEPER

We must be more aware and analytical of our behaviors, and levels of listening and understanding to pains and burdens which are not ours. Because once it becomes about us in the slightest, it is no longer empathy, but rather a comparison disguised with the mask of sympathy. That is not empathy.

As a society, we must dig much deeper into the meaning and objective of true empathy. There are in fact 3 types of empathy:

1. Cognitive empathy: the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy improves our communication skills, because we become sensitive and aware of how we can best reach and connect to another person.

2. Emotional empathy (affective empathy) is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Think of it as "your pain in my heart." If their pain is in your heart, you have probably built a very strong, secure and deep connection with that person. Well played.

3. Compassionate empathy (empathic concern) this is more about taking action than just feeling.

Ultimately, empathy is always all about them.

Get your EMPATHY apparel now!

We can do this.

Sincerely

Vital Germaine

Mastering the art of public speaking

Wether you are speaking on a large stage or in a boardroom, communication is an opportunity to connect with other humans on a deep and meaningful level. There are a few principals that can help you bridge that gap more effectively and efficiently.

I’ve had the honor of delivering keynotes to Fortune 100 and Fortune 500 companies on large stages for over 1,500 at a time. My journey began as a toastmaster speaking for the first time, legs shaking, mouth dry like a dessert landscape and hoping nobody would notice the sweat shaping from my pores.

Here I am 7 years later having learned so much and more than happy to shorten your learning curve. Others helped me and I feel compelled to help you bring more value to the stage when you speak at a company meeting or for a larger audience. 

If you take the time to master and implement this powerful communication trifecta, you’ll take your communication skills to the next level.   

There are three pillars of a great keynote

1.   CONTENT

Know your audience. Respect your audience! 

Why:

Your objective should be to invite and initiate a decision or a pivot that will transform a person or group. In order to achieve that you must know your audience: understand their pain point or the problem they need resolved.  It’s all about the VALUE you bring to the dance.

How:

•       Always respect your audience. Knowing them will help you achieve the respect factor. 

•       Invest plenty of time in researching, creating, learning your content, and understanding your content.

•       Customize and personalize your message to the individual or group it's purposed for.

•       Realize that your content is not about you. It's about your audience.

•       Be sure to provide tools, action steps, roadmaps for them to solve a problem.  

2. STRUCTURE

Why:  

•       A solid structure directs your audience along a desirable Customer Experience path.

•       Getting into the right mindset to deliver and share that information in an engaging fashion brings great value to your audience.

How:  

•       Become an architect and design a structure that guides your audience (team members, customers) to the anticipated outcome or take-away.

•       Each touch point or step within your presentation should streamlined and effective. Minimize the clutter to be more impactful.

•       Provide tools and solutions that are easy to:

o      understand

o      remember

o      implement

To help achieve this, keep your messaging to around 3 main topics or take-aways.

3. DELIVERY

Why: 

•       Getting into the right mindset to deliver and share that information in an engaging fashion brings great value to your audience.

How:  

•       What does your audience need to hear from you to grow? 

•       Speak a language that inspires and are not respectful of your audience, regarding the delivery, then the value of your knowledge and content will be diluted, if not anemic. Why do the homework and design a great structure, to only fall short at the final hurdle?

•       Deliver a relevant and meaningful message with passion, confidence, enthusiasm and most of all... be that is easily understood. If you

•       Authentic and sincere.

Vital Germaine

If you want to do a deeper dive into developing your speaking career, click the link below to learn about my speaker coaching programs.

Vital is a reputable keynote speaker and employee engagement trainer that inspires cultural transformation by inspiring INNOVATION MINDSETS.

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